continuing silence

10/18/14

  The lease is almost up on my apartment. It is more than mere coincidence that my basement apartment and hell are both under ground residences.
 Some of the many features of my lovely rented hades include:
  - A kitchen sink whose aquatic displays rival those of the Bellagio.
  - Upstairs neighbors whose hobbies are loud music, performing carnal opera, indoor croquet, and impromptu pogo stick competitions.
  - Kitchen cabinets that won't close, and a front door that won't open. If you want to enter or leave this apartment, you need a running start.
  - Fresh circulating carbon monoxide, provided by the highway located just steps from my home. I'm hoping the plant life growing in my walls is providing enough oxygen to counteract it's ill effects.
  - A plush wall-to-wall carpet, that at one time was beige, but now resembles a world map.
  - An ancient heating boiler on the other side of my bedroom wall, that is very much like a grizzly bear. It does nothing and lies dormant for most of the winter. But when the warm days of spring arrive, it finally rumbles to life and takes a leak in my living room.
  So....i need to find a new place to live. However, maintaining my silence makes this process very difficult, as virtually every apartment listing is accompanied by a phone number.
  If you can't pay the equivalent amount of most lottery jackpots in rent per month, you need to be able to move fast on any affordable listings. In this competitive housing market, sending a text (if even possible) in response to a listing, doesn't even get you in the running.
  Of course, there are the tantalizing "open houses" for some available apartments. At these one or two day events, applications are taken (so is an application fee of $30.00 and up) from desperate people willing to fling their most confidential personal information at anyone who looks like they could possibly provide affordable shelter for a few months.
  In a booming rental market, a "landlord" could easily garner 20 or more applications during a five hour open house. That's $600.00 for providing pens and paper to people for an afternoon. The landlord isn't even required to provide proof that a credit check was ever done. It makes pyramid schemes look like church bake sales.
  Anyway, i'll maintain my silence and keep quietly looking for a new place to live. A lean-too in the park is looking more and more inviting. Cheap, no upstairs neighbors, and lots of fresh air.